PANDEMIC FUN

Future Things You Can Blame on COVID

More than just “The COVID-19”

Image by Khusen Rustamov from Pixabay

Okay, you have all heard the “Gained the COVID-19” line every time you finally see someone in person and their ass is in the process of upsizing their meeting-quality sweatpants. Besides the extra tonnage, there is more stuff we will be able to blame on this virus-based shitstorm. Some of it takes preparation though, so… you’re welcome.

Your increased collection of booze

You remember when your liquor cabinet held only the standard bottles of cheap vodka, margarita-night tequila, and that weird green bottle in the back that some asshole left at your house in 2012.

But now… you have taken advantage of all those alcohol delivery service coupons and the impending world doom and stocked up. Your liquor cabinet is now full of any flavor you decide to have on your Tuesday-night why-the-fuck-not drinking binge. No worries, you haven’t been in your car since last Spring and on Zoom nobody can tell the difference between hangover hair and just a normal Wednesday morning.

Write this down. “Do you remember that time when (Red or Blue politician of choice) said that we should all be prepared and that the essentials might run low? I made these purchases after considering the antiseptic qualities of vodka, and the high-barter value of quality scotch. I was just trying to be prepared.

With only a few minor adjustments, this also works for your unusually large collection of baking supplies, post-it notes, gasoline, and porn.

Not visiting your parents/in-laws on a holiday

Once upon a pre-COVID time, there was pressure from the boomers with lines like “Just join us for a few days.”, “A quick visit for the holidays”, or “It’s only four blocks. You could just walk, you lazy ass.” But no more, now you have the pandemic to blame for your unwillingness to watch while your great uncle grunts every time he eats a heaping spoonful of mashed potatoes like some reverse bowel movement.

Now that you’ve successfully blamed one year’s worth of holiday non-visits on COVID, you have to keep that momentum going.

Write this down and save it for December 2021. Seriously, write it down. Who knows if there will be the Internet, Medium, or even cheese by then.

The (children/significant other/dog/goat/sourdough starter) and I have developed traditions in 2020 that have signified a (milestone/life lesson/singularity) where we all (came together/felt loved/began to understand/found pennies in the sofa/learned the names of all our children) and we want to make sure that we honor that tradition by (placing a wreath/holding a vigil/binge-watching Tiger King/hand jobs) so that we never forget the global tide of (awakening/sacrifice/absolute shit/unboxing videos) that we as a society endured during the holiday season that was 2020.

Habits of excess

Drinking too much coffee after dinner or booze before breakfast or both? I do not judge. These habits will be forgiven or at least overlooked if you claim to have started them during the pandemic. So you need to get your shit together and start some bad habits before the vaccine starts to work and we are all suddenly held accountable for our actions again.

Coffee, booze, masturbating, Altoids, manga, tweeting, or whatever your excess of choice, start it now so that you have an excuse. Then, as soon as we’re allowed more than 10 people in a room, start a support group. It will connect you to like-minded individuals and you can collectively decide if you’re a “quitting” or a “managing” type support group.

Farting during a meeting

This is going to be a problem when we go back to work. Not one of us has practiced sphincter-control during the boss’ weekly staff meeting for an entire year and it will not be that easy to get it back under control on the day you’re finally back at work.

There’s no witty line here, just don’t sit beside Dave. He brings cauliflower casserole for lunch.

So, there you have it. The Global Pandemic, fueled by political incompetence at so many levels, has caused more pain and suffering than we will ever calculate. With the vaccine, it looks like humanity might just crawl our way out of it. With some preparation and some humor, maybe we can even keep ourselves on this side of sanity (or is it the other side?) while we crawl.

Loves writing, loves teaching, and loves his 7-year-old daughter. All of which are potential topics of hopefully entertaining posts.

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